Joke Thread

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DiabloS
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Joke Thread

Post by DiabloS » Sun Sep 18, 2011 1:47 am

Captain Wedge wrote:So a C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." 
So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. 
Then D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." 
Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. 
Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." 
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. 
Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. 
The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. 
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar. 

(Yes I copied and pasted this one, but I like it.)
Pretty good one here as well!
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kmlabs
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by kmlabs » Mon Sep 19, 2011 12:42 pm

Q: How can you tell when there's a drummer at your front door?
A: The knock speeds up

Q: How can you tell when there's a bassist at your front door?
A: The knock is in the wrong key

Q: How can you tell when there's a singer at your front door?
A: He doesn't know when to come in

:D

And, just in the interests of equality...

Q: What do you throw a drowning guitarist?
A: His amp
Kerry

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defrag
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by defrag » Mon Sep 19, 2011 3:01 pm

A girl is checking out at a grocery store & has items like a four-pack of toilet paper, a couple small yogurts, & some TV-dinners.

I say, "You're single, aren't you?"

She says, "Wow, you can tell if I'm single just by looking what I'm buying?"

I say, "No, you're fu*kin' ugly!"
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Randy Bass
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Randy Bass » Mon Sep 19, 2011 4:32 pm

defrag wrote:A girl is checking out at a grocery store & has items like a four-pack of toilet paper, a couple small yogurts, & some TV-dinners.

I say, "You're single, aren't you?"

She says, "Wow, you can tell if I'm single just by looking what I'm buying?"

I say, "No, you're fu*kin' ugly!"
:lol:

That reminds me of the Winston Churchill quote where a woman criticizes him for being drunk and he replies: "Yes, but I'll be sober in the morning and you'll still be ugly".
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Captain Wedge
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Captain Wedge » Mon Sep 19, 2011 9:41 pm

A college professor had told his students two weeks in advance that the physics test was going to be hard, and that they should spend their time wisely. However, two of his students (who were also roomates) spend most of their time partying and didn't study at all. When woke up on the day of the exam, they found they had overslept. They rushed to their classroom, but most of the other students had already finished the test by the time they got there. They told their professor they had rode together, and that on the way over, their car had a flat tire. Their lie paid off. The professor was in a good mood and decided to let them take the test the next day. After thanking him, the two students rushed to their apartment and studied for the rest of the day and most of the night. When they came in the next day, the professor had them go in separate rooms to take the test. Both students were nervous about the test, since they had only studied the day before. When they read the first question, however, they were relived. It read, "For 5 points: Name the 3 parts of the atom." They wrote down the answer to this question and turned the page. They were instantly terrified. The second and last question read, "For 95 points: Tell me which tire was flat."
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myboss57
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by myboss57 » Mon Sep 19, 2011 10:59 pm

Captain Wedge wrote:A college professor had told his students two weeks in advance that the physics test was going to be hard, and that they should spend their time wisely. However, two of his students (who were also roomates) spend most of their time partying and didn't study at all. When woke up on the day of the exam, they found they had overslept. They rushed to their classroom, but most of the other students had already finished the test by the time they got there. They told their professor they had rode together, and that on the way over, their car had a flat tire. Their lie paid off. The professor was in a good mood and decided to let them take the test the next day. After thanking him, the two students rushed to their apartment and studied for the rest of the day and most of the night. When they came in the next day, the professor had them go in separate rooms to take the test. Both students were nervous about the test, since they had only studied the day before. When they read the first question, however, they were relived. It read, "For 5 points: Name the 3 parts of the atom." They wrote down the answer to this question and turned the page. They were instantly terrified. The second and last question read, "For 95 points: Tell me which tire was flat."
Heard that one awhile back, I love it though! So good. :lol: :lol:
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Wendigo
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Wendigo » Tue Sep 20, 2011 7:38 am

A mother and her 5-year-old boy were driving behind a garbage truck. The truck hit a bump and suddenly a large dildo flew out the back and landed smack on the front windshield of the car. The mother, in a panic, hit the wipers and wiped it off the window.

The little boy asked, "Mom, what was that?" The mother embarrassedly replied, "Uh, it was just an insect son."
The boy replied, "An insect? Well, it's a wonder it could fly with such a big wang."

Wolfe
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Wolfe » Tue Sep 20, 2011 9:04 pm

what do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?































































































a flat minor

what do you get if you drop a piano on an army barrcks?









































































































a flat major
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Icarus
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Icarus » Tue Sep 20, 2011 9:32 pm

I've come a long way since entering the Distance Ejaculation Championships.
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myboss57
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by myboss57 » Wed Sep 21, 2011 3:49 pm

Icarus wrote:I've come a long way since entering the Distance Ejaculation Championships.
:lol: :lol: That actually took me a second.
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Les Paul Lover
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Les Paul Lover » Wed Sep 21, 2011 4:59 pm

Captain Wedge wrote:So a C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." 
So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. 
Then D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." 
Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. 
Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." 
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. 
Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. 
The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. 
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar. 

(Yes I copied and pasted this one, but I like it.)

That was pretty f#cking brilliant!
Ant

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jason41224
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by jason41224 » Wed Sep 21, 2011 10:16 pm

Wolfe wrote:what do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
a flat minor

what do you get if you drop a piano on an army barrcks?
a flat major
what do you call it when a piano falls on Wolfe's house?


















































































...





































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Jason
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basshole
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by basshole » Wed Sep 21, 2011 10:19 pm

A prostitute is at the doctor's office and finds out she's pregnant.
Doctor: - So who's the father?
Prostitute: - Ok, if you eat a can of beans, would you be able to tell which one made you fart?!
Andreas

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Randy Bass
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Randy Bass » Thu Sep 22, 2011 12:30 am

jason41224 wrote:
Wolfe wrote:what do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
a flat minor

what do you get if you drop a piano on an army barrcks?
a flat major
what do you call it when a piano falls on Wolfe's house?

...

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:lol:

I thought it was going to be "a retarded minor".
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Wolfe
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Wolfe » Thu Sep 22, 2011 3:40 pm

jason41224 wrote:
Wolfe wrote:what do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
a flat minor

what do you get if you drop a piano on an army barrcks?
a flat major
what do you call it when a piano falls on Wolfe's house?


















































































...





































17 less members on the Orange Forum.
4 actually, d*ckhead
Wolfy'
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